Chef Debbie's "Notes to Self"

I've got to quit answering my phone!

I know it's not April Fool's Day. Yet. Maybe I'm on an episode of Punk'd?

Yesterday's phone call:

Hi, this is Debbie.

Hi Debbie. I'm looking to hire a personal chef but have a very specific requirement.

No problem. I can handle your special dietary needs, medically restricted diets or picky children. Bring it on.

Note to self ~ NEVER say Bring it on again!

Well... we really don't have any special dietary requirements and the children will eat anything we put in front of them. No, this is more about our house rule.

Uh, OK. What is the house rule?

We never wear shoes in the house and we require everyone who enters to remove his shoes also.

Well, does the garage enter into the laundry room and/or kitchen so that I won't be walking on your carpet?

No, you don't understand. We do not allow shoes anywhere in the house.

Dead silence on my end.

Hello? Are you there?

OK. Let me get this straight. You want me to schlep in heavy boxes of equipment, work on a hard kitchen floor all day without any type of foot support and, let's not forget, work with razor sharp knives that I could drop onto MY unprotected feet and toes or carry heavy pots of boiling water that I could easily spill when I slip on something because I don't have my non~skid shoes on? That type of "we don't allow shoes anywhere in the house" rule?

Yes.

What I said: I'm sorry but I'm not the personal chef you're looking for. Good luck, though. I hope there's someone out there who can help you.

What I wanted to say: Have they let all the kooks out of Kookville today? Are you freaking nuts? How much insurance do you have because when I drop my chef's knife and chop off a few of MY toes, I intend to develop a very intimate relationship with your insurance adjuster!

Kooks in Kookville. That's a good one ~ I gotta remember that one!

Note to self ~DO NOT answer the phone on April Fool's Day!

I need another martini!

Chef Debbie is in Your Face!

You can't open the paper, drive down the highway or go to the grocery store without seeing my smiling face everywhere you look!

I received a phone call from Queen Janeen, the queenly half of the WGRR Married With Microphones morning team.

Seems that she saw one of the billboards while driving down to work one morning.

And, at 4:30 in the a.m., seeing my face 15' tall in 4~color with that screaming yellow background, well it's amazing there haven't been a few multi~car pileups!

If it were just a few billboards all over town, then you'd be able to avoid me.

But nooooo. In fact, everywhere you look, I'm right there looking back atcha!

In the front section of the Sunday Enquirer, in all that yellow 4~color glory. In the Door Store. Online on the bigg's website. In the store ads.

Is this my 15 minutes of fame? I'm ready for my closeup Mr. DeMille.

Chef Debbie Says Urrrgh!

What is it with people these days!

Do I have a sign on my forehead that proclaims "Yes! I LOVE spending hours planning your party so you can give my menu to your friend who's a fabulous cook."

This has happened twice in the last couple of weeks ~ and I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm downright PO'd.

The first one was a small dinner party for 20. Black tie servers, beef tenderloin, scallops gratin, appetizers and the rest of the goodies.

Her phone call..

Uh Debbie? I have a friend who's a "fabulous cook" and said she could do my dinner with your menu for only $30 per person. You've quoted me a lot more and I wonder if you could match her price.

Yeah right. If I bought ground round at Costco and told you it was tenderloin. And used cheese in a can. And finished off the rest of the dinner with samples from McDonalds, Taco Bell and made snow ice cream.

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression my price is negotiable. I've spent years perfecting my trade and can guarantee that your meal would be of the quality of one of Cincinnati's finest dining establishments.
I also have a $1million liability insurance policy in the very small chance that I'd break something in your home or that one of your guests would become ill from something I cooked. If you have a price of $30 per person for my menu, then you should go with your friend.
I highly suggest you ask if she has liability insurance ~ just in case.

Urrrgh!

About that same time, I received a phone call from a local organization who needed a very large, black tie, super elegant event. Servers, valet service, sous chefs, you name it. I was going to need about 20 people, not including the valet service. And elegant, gourmet, sophisticated, eye~popping food and decor for 175.

So I put together a killer menu. More than 20 passed canapes, raw seafood bar, dessert and chocolate fondue bar, sushi bar, blini bar, and don't forget the cocktail bar.

They loved the menu. And. Then. Nothing.

Until the phone call.

Hi. This is Debbie.

Hi Deb. I'm calling about the event.
I could probably lose my job over this but I felt you needed to know what was going on here.

Uh oh. That's never good when somebody starts the conversation with I could lose my job over this, but...

OK. Tell me. Did you change the date, decide to change the menu, what?

No, we love the menu. I mean we really LOVE the menu. But my boss has a friend who...

Here it comes. I know what's going to fall out of her mouth now.

...is a caterer and said she'd take your menu and beat your quote by 15% automatically.

Visions of my good 12" chef's knife sticking out of the caterer's back dance through my head. Oh wait. The caterer wouldn't know what my menu was unless somebody gave it to her.

Thank you so much for calling ~ I know it must have been a difficult decision for you but I truly appreciate it. I have spent over 8 hours pricing this out already and could have easily spent another day or more working on it. Not to mention the time it takes my vendors to give me their prices.

So what would you have done? Sweet devious husband said I should give a quote of around $2000 for the entire event. And then back out.

While I would never never never do anything like that, I must admit that in the far back reaches of my once~in~a~while mean streak, that did sound like good fun!

But. I've decided, the old idiom is true. What goes around, comes around.

I just hope I'm around to see it!

Chef Debbie Has Gas Issues!

So. I really don't endorse products or services.

Unless it's a family owned small business grocer, butcher or farm market. Like my buddy, De Stewart, at Herbs & Spice located in historic Findlay Market.

But.

bigg's has introduced a new customer incentive program called bigg's Pump Perks®.

The incentive program has only been in effect for two weeks. And, this is THE BEST customer incentive program they could have ever devised for ME.

For every $10 you spend, you receive .01 (one cent) off of 20 gallons of gas at Sunoco. And, then there are the incentive items. Purchase certain items and receive an additional .01~.15 cents off PER GALLON of gas.

Last week, the first week of the program, I bought my normal weekly client groceries on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Had to fill up on Thursday morning.

Gas was $1.77/gallon. I paid $1.02/gallon for 20 gallons.

Not bad. In fact, after the last couple of years, paying just $1.02/gallon for gas is down right freaking great.

Today gas was $1.95/gallon. I paid $0.019 ~ yes, less then 2 cents per gallon ~ for 20 gallons.

In other words, I paid a mere 38 cents for 20 gallons of gas today.

Finally, it's more than a job going to the grocery store.

And when you drive something as big as the Yummy~mobile, paying less than 2 cents per gallon of gas is a really really good thing!

The down side of this program? I can't ever travel again. Imagine paying full price for a gallon of gas!

Yes. Spoiled brat is back.

Oh, by the way.

Look for a familiar smiling Chef face in this weekend's bigg's Pump Perks® weekly newspaper ads.

Personal Chef to the "Jock Chef"

My buddy, Shayne Graham, and I spent a lot of time together in the days before this taping:

Shayne the Jock Chef

Before you get the wrong idea ~ Shayne really CAN cook.

In fact, he's quite competent in the kitchen. And, not too bad on the eyes either.

But that's neither here nor there.

Shayne called me in late September and said that ESPN The Magazine wanted to shoot a video of him cooking for Jock Chef. He needed to do something "different" from what the other athletes had done ~ dishes they learned from mom like fried chicken and greens, roasted chicken and veggies, or pretty much anything with shrimp.

We decided his menu needed to be upscale, but healthy and flavorful. And it needed to be easy to prep, finishing and putting one course in the oven and naturally flowing into working on the next without it being too complicated to follow on video. And it had to be something he'd naturally cook if he had the time and didn't have moi as his personal chef.

Bison was the answer.

We practiced. And practiced. And practiced. The final menu? Bison Tenderloin rubbed with kosher salt and freshly cracked black pepper roasted medium rare; Roasted Asparagus; Scalloped Swiss Potatoes; and, a medley of mixed berries with fresh whipped cream.

Was it a success? According to ESPN, "Dude can Cook."

A Perfect Christmas Gift for Chef Debbie

Sweet husband, Tim, and I don't buy Christmas gifts for each other.

Let's face it. We have absolutely everything we need ~ our health, fluffy butt Rusty, a house we love, jobs we love, each other.

With all that, we certainly don't need presents!

But. I was given the most amazing Christmas gift.

7:30 p.m. Christmas Eve. Finished cooking for the day. Wine. Cheese. Sweet husband and I are enjoying a snack together. By ourselves.

Then my cell phone rings.

BIG SIGH

Hi. This is Debbie.

Hi Deb. This is Diane. We just finished dinner and wanted to say THANK YOU! It was amazing. Hold on. Everyone wants to talk to you.

Group yelling in the background

THANK YOU DEBBIE!

Back to Diane.

Dinner was amazing. The beef wellingtons were perfect. The roasted asparagus was perfect. The shrimp was perfect. The crème brulé was light and fluffy. It was perfect. I didn't want to bother you on Christmas Eve but just HAD to tell you how perfect everything was for dinner.

Internal BIG SIGH of relief.

Diane, you've made my day. This is the nicest present anyone could have given me. Thanks so much!

Sometimes the best present is the simplest present.

Thank you, my friends, for your love and support throughout the year. For putting up with my (occasional) grumpybuttness. For offering to help chop, sauté, grocery shop or anything else when I'm absolutely swamped. For visiting Bacchus with me occasionally.

Merry Christmas. I hope your day was filled with love, good food and great wine.

Christmas Roses for Chef Debbie

The holidays are almost over.

Very loud singing chorus of Hallelujah!

Don't get me wrong. It's been a long, hard and profitable year with the last couple of months bringing 7~day work weeks and sometimes 2 clients a day. That can mean 18 hours, or more, at a time on these old legs.

Old being the key word.

Knowing how hard I've been working ~ and trying to not be a grumpybutt (which I've been told can "occasionally" occur when I'm overworked and to my mind under appreciated) ~ sweet husband did something he's never done before in our 20+ years together.

Surprise roses.

For no reason.

At least, I think, for no reason.

Or maybe it's because after he hurt his leg helping me at Thanksgiving, I've tried to not ask him to do so much.

I've tried not to ask him to load and unload the Yummy~mobile, haul and tote everything in and out of every client's home every day or ask him to come load me up "just a few minutes early to help me finish cleaning up."

Just a few minutes cleaning up in Yummy~world that means 2 hours scraping plates, cleaning and reboxing chafing dishes, washing or drying said plates, reloading the crates to reload in Yummy~mobile, yada yada blah de blah)

Thinking about it, the surprise roses were for no reason.

Except that sweet husband really is a sweet husband.

Chef Debbie's "Christmas With The Crazies"

What is it about this time of year that brings out the crazies?

This time last year, I swore I was going to turn my cell phone off this year. But I haven't.

Yet.

Today's phone call:

Hi, this is Debbie

Hi. I want to buy my boss a gift certificate for Christmas. He's a single guy and I was thinking about a meal or two for him.

I have a small package that would be perfect for him. It's just 3 entrées, 2 servings of each, with the appropriate side dishes and it's just $xxx.

What! For that kind of money, I'd expect 3 or 4 weeks worth of meals! I just want a couple of meals and it shouldn't cost any more than $30 or $40. After all, it's just a couple of meals and I can't believe it would take you that much time.

I appreciate what you're saying. Let me tell you how a personal chef service works so that...

Interrupting me with a big, very audible and prolonged SIGH from her...
OK I get that I have to pay for your time also. I can go as high as $45 but that's as much as I'm going to pay. After all, in today's economy, you can't be that busy.

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that my price is negotiable. The price for the service I just told you about is $xxx. Perhaps you should consider a gift certificate to...

wanted to say McDonalds, Taco Bell or Burger King but instead...

a nice family style restaurant like Friday's, Chili's or Applebee's.

Geesh! You always sound so nice on the radio. Guess I'll just have to call the station and let them know you aren't very accommodating to their listeners.

Why me?

Yummy~issimo! Thanksgiving with Shayne Graham and The Bengals

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't written in a while. The last couple of months have been so crazy that I didn't want to drag you into the Yummy! frenzy that is my life.

It has been nonstop cooking since I can remember. I got it into my pea brain that this year I was going to bake for Thanksgiving. I hate, hate, hate to bake and typically leave desserts to somebody else. Anybody else. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, I decided I'd make all homemade pastry for said pies. YIKES! I evidently had visited Bacchus a bit too much when I had that crazy idea.

Did I mention that I needed 19 pies for Thanksgiving?

Yep. 19.

After I got through all the client orders for Thanksgiving, I only had half of Wednesday left to prepare for my Thanksgiving dinner at Shayne Graham's beautiful house. I really needed about 3 days!

But I absolutely could not disappoint my Bengal buddies. Imagine feeding a bunch of 6'5" 350 pound men. I didn't think it was possible for any human to eat as much food as they did.

I cooked 2 ~ 24# turkeys, made 8 loaves of homemade cornbread so that I could make 15# of cornbread dressing, 2 different potato dishes, gravy and 11 sides.

And pies. Don't forget the freaking pies!

The first person through the door was my buddy, Frostee Rucker. Limping a little. But with the biggest smile and an even bigger heart, he's one of the nicest people you'll ever want to meet. Except possibly for Jason Shirley. I hadn't had the pleasure of meeting Jason yet until dinner but he's right up there in the "Super Nice Person" category along with Shayne and Frostee.

I got through Thanksgiving with only one minor hiccup. Moving a big stack of heavy, dirty plates wasn't one of my better ideas. Actually it belongs in the same category as making all those pies.

Yep. Dropped the dishes. Broke the dishes. Had a huge mess all over the gorgeous wood floor and cabinets. Food, broken dish shards and silverware for as far as you could see.

Sigh.

But. The pies were awesome. Flaky crust. Fluffy spiced pumpkin with rum. Crunch pecan with bourbon. Peanut butter and banana with no alcohol. More pie flavors than I can remember.

But I sure was glad to get home to visit with Bacchus.

Chef Debbie's Spooky Halloween Treats

So today is Halloween and the weather is going to be glorious tonight for the kids. And the adult kids.

Our Halloween tradition is to sit outside in the cul~de~sac with the neighbors, a roaring fire pit and a few bottles of our favorite libations.

And, no, I'm not cooking for the neighbors. Or making fun candy treats for the kids I know.

Yeah, I know. I'm a bah humbug.

Oops. Wrong holiday.

But this is one of the very few holidays that I don't have a party booked. Or have to cook for anyone but sweet husband.

Not that tonight's dinner will be all that creative. I'm thinking pizza. Or my favorite carryout steak sandwiches smothered in mushroom sauce with lots of chopped onions and gooey melted mozzarella cheese.

Yep. Steak sandwiches it will be.

I found these great spooky food photos on the web and thought they were so creative.

And then there's the Halloween pumpkins after a few too many libations. Cute. For about an hour or so. Then I'd be sick of looking at it and have to clean it up.