Chef Debbie Says: Blame It On FaceBook

So way back in 2007 I started this blog. I was pretty faithful about writing ~ off and on ~ until 2011. Then I got lazy. Really, really lazy. Why? I found Facebook.

I mean let's face it. It's pretty easy to scroll through all of your FB friends' posts, quickly "liking" or sharing their Mean Cat photos. And, the IM feature is pretty cool if you're planning something you don't want your "other" friends to know about.... Like that surprise party I planned that I didn't want to invite a few "certain people" to. You still don't know who you are.

Then, my friend Sandy Webster Hall started a blog. A really, really good blog. Click here if you want to follow a super talented chef who happens to funny and full of a lot of the same no~nonsense, no holds bared, in~your~face empathy that you've come to love about me.

Seriously, though. Why did I restart my blog after more than a five year hiatus you ask? Simple. I am SICK and TIRED and seriously pissed off from all of the political nonsense, crap, downright bullshit, hate filled rants, women bashing, men bashing and other posts that attempt to pass as "news" or "views" that Facebook is filled with now.

I appreciate your views. I truly do. And, evidently I am one of the very few who can actually disagree with you but still like and respect you. Freaking novel concept!

So instead of my wasting time scrolling through endless political rants, photos of abused dogs that make me cry or asking for prayers because your turtle got loose in the house and you can't find it, I'll once again be blogging my scarcastic, sometimes witty but always truthful point of view. It may happen once a week or it may not happen for several weeks at a time. If you miss me in between blogs, you can always follow me on Facebook.  I'll be the one who posts irreverent, sarcastic, non~political cartoons, mouth watering recipes and just general bullshit about my day.

Chef Debbie Says: I Love Birthdays When They're Not Mine!

Last Saturday was sweet husband Tim's birthday. Number 54 (in case you were wondering).

In Yummy! world, a birthday means a party. And a party means friends. And drinks. And food.

Lots and lots and lots of food. (Well, actually lots and lots of drinks too, but you knew that already didn't you?)

After several days in the kitchen, here's what the masses nibbled on:

Beef tenderloin, rubbed with bourbon barrel smoked sea salt, roasted rare and sliced paper thin

Marinated jumbo shrimp with homemade cocktail sauce

Honey Dijon marinated pork tenderloin, sliced paper thin and served with spicy mango and papaya salsa

Salmon 3~ways with Yummy~ized blinis: salmon roasted with maple and dill; roasted with Dijon and sesame; and, sweet and spicy. Blinis were served on toasted sourdough, topped with dilled deviled egg salad, creme fraiche and Tobiko caviar

An entire tray of 50 blinis ~ which were gone in about 15 seconds...

Sesame chicken with sweet garlic chili dipping sauce

Truffle paté and black peppercorn paté

Creamy caviar dip

New Orleans spicy crab dip

Tim's favorite spicy deviled eggs with crab ~ 48 whole eggs were gone almost before I could put the platter down

Brie with balsamic caramelized onion chutney and spicy pecans

Cheese, cheese and more cheese

Parmesan cubes with 2 dipping sauces: black truffle honey and red chili apricots

Chunky Danish bleu dip

Roasted 3~onion dip

And desserts. And fruit. And chocolate truffles. And sweet and crunchy pecans...

Judging from the amount of food left over ~ which was a crumb here and there ~ I'm thinking none of the guests had seen a scrap of food since about Tuesday...

If I'd followed a traditional caterer's calculations of:
# of Hours x # of People = Total # of Bites
I would have been about 20 pounds short just on the protein!

So even though it's a lot of work, I thank Bacchus that sweet husband is in good health, that we have amazing and wonderful friends and that I had Sunday off to clean up!

Chef Debbie Says: Money ≠ Class ~ Part II

If you didn't read Money ≠ Class ~ Part I you may want to before reading Part II.

So, The Jerk, in his 5'3" 140 pound, wimpy, Napoleon~complexed builder importantness shows me through his house. I say house instead of home because the difference is obvious. A home is warm and inviting. The Jerk's house is oversized in every way boasting a faux English medieval decor and that nouveau riche smell that you just can't quite eliminate.

The next day, rather than bother picking up the phone I sent The Jerk an e~mail detailing the courses I'd be serving and giving him a complete description of the place settings he would need. Surprise, surprise. I never heard back from him.

Sous chef, the amazing Ryan, and I arrived to find that he rented a cheap round card table and those mini white hard wooden chairs that nobody's butt fits in. And, he was still in the process of installing hideous giant sconces downstairs in the bar area, making his very pregnant wife carry a step stool down the stairs to him. As I said, he's a Jerk...

But. Not my problem.

China that The Jerk borrowed? Lots of non~matching bowls, coffee saucers, a few salad plates and dinner plates. All in that sickening sweet blue flower design that the grocery store sells as a "Piece of the Week" special.

Whatever. Once again, not my problem.

The Jerk had one volunteer Server instead of the two he was supposed to have. Said Server had no idea what she was supposed to do, and just wanted to stand in the kitchen and talk. Ryan, bless his patient heart, took charge of her. I would have kicked her saggy butt right out the back door.

Oh, and Server said she wasn't going to wash the dishes. Well, don't think I'm going to do them, sweetie!

Thanks to Ryan, the menu was beautiful. I was so disgusted with The Jerk that I just wanted to marinate the pork tenderloin, serve a few mashed sweet potatoes, a green salad and call it a day. Instead, Ryan talked me into this fabulous menu:

Caviar "Blini" with Dilled Egg Salad on Potato ~ Roasted purple and white fingerling potatoes stuffed with dill and Dijon egg salad, topped with creme fraiche and Tobiko caviar

Shrimp Stuffed with Panko and Parmesan ~ Two jumbo shrimp stuffed with a panko~Parmesan mixture, roasted and served on panko crusted fried green tomato slices and a large wedge of charred braised pork belly

Organic Baby Greens Salad ~ Organic baby greens tossed with shallots, sweet and spicy pecans and homemade pomegranate champagne dressing and garnished with shaved red pepper Asiago

Apple and Basil Sorbet ~ This one was all Ryan's baby and it was absolutely amazing! Homemade sorbet flavored with tart green apples and lots of fresh basil and garnished with organic rose petals

Pork 3~Ways:
Pork with Port and Cherry Glaze ~ Pork tenderloin medallions with a Port sauce and marinated cherries served on bourbon~barrel smoked cracked black peppercorn crusted goat cheese slices
Apricot and Pecan Stuffed Pork Tenderloin ~ Pork tenderloin stuffed with a mixture of apricots, pecans, garlic and thyme, served on herbed baked sourdough rounds and drizzled with red chili infused honey
Pork with Tarragon Calvados Cream Sauce ~ Mustard rubbed pork tenderloin, roasted and sliced into medallions and served on sautéed apple slices and garnished with a Tarragon Calvados Cream sauce

Herbed Orzo with Mascarpone Cheese

Roasted Zucchini and Yellow Squash Slices on Rosemary Skewers

Bread Pudding with Sautéed Peaches ~ Bread pudding stuffed with lots of sautéed peaches and tossed in an egg and cream mixture flavored with star anise, cardamon and vanilla sugar

No, Ryan and I did not do the dishes. We scraped, rinsed and left them in the sink. I'm guessing Mrs. Jerk probably got stuck washing them... Once again, not my problem.

Moral of this very long, two part blog: Money Does Not Equal Class.

Never has.

Never will.

Chef Debbie Says: Money ≠ Class ~ Part I

September is finally over. Thank Bacchus!

I had an event booked every weekend, with a couple of weekends double or triple booked. And, every single one of them was fun, full of great people and something I'd definitely do again.

Except one.

Last weekend was my annual charity event where local chefs are given the same ingredients (this year: pork tenderloin, jumbo shrimp, salad greens), assigned a host home and asked to cook for 16~30 people.

I've done this event for the last three years and it's always been a joy to work with the host home, the guests were gracious and the evening a delight.

Until. This. Year.

This year's host (forevermore, now called The Jerk) was rude, condescending and so full of himself that I hated every minute of the time I spent planning, prepping and cooking. I knew I was in trouble when I met The Mother {insert scary witch laugh here} at the Chef~Host Meet & Greet.

Here's how the conversation went:

The Mother: You're soooo fortunate to be assigned to my son's beautiful home. He's an important builder and he's just too important, too busy and too wonderful to waste his time bothering with this blah, blah, blah...

Me: Oh, freaking crap!

The Mother: Continuation of blah, blah, blah, my important son, blah, blah, blah... Oh, and the chefs we've worked with in the past have brought the china, silverware, linens, glassware, servers and extra tables and chairs so I expect you'll be doing the same...

Me: No, actually, the host home is responsible for all of that. I just show up with the food, my sous chef and prepare an amazing meal.

The Mother: Well {with a flick of her lacquered, platinum helmet head}, in the past we've worked with restaurant chefs and they've brought everything. We don't have enough settings so I expect you'll have to bring it.

Me: Gee, let me think... No, sorry. In the past, I've worked in homes where they've entertained on a regular basis and they have always had enough of everything, including space for the guests.

Oh, and by the way, if you weren't such a Mother I'd be happy to bring everything since I have more than enough.

Needless to say, The Mother was not happy with me. Unfortunately, that was the easiest and most polite conversation that I had with anyone in the family.

After sending numerous e~mails to The Jerk without response, I picked up the telephone.

The Jerk: Yeah, I got your e~mails but I'm just too busy and too important to respond. I'm an important builder, you know... blah, blah, blah...

Me: Oh, freaking crap!

The Jerk: And since I'm an important builder, the only time I can meet you is...

So, I clear time out of my day to fit into his schedule. And he cancels the appointment about an hour before we're due to meet. The Jerk then made another appointment although how he can find time in his important builder life is beyond me!

We're scheduled to meet in the middle of the day ~ his choice of day and time.

So I arrive. On time. And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

The Jerk shows up a full 30 minutes late and this is what he said (and I'm not ad libbing on this one, this is what he really said): I'm a builder. I didn't call you because my time is more valuable than yours!

And, as you can guess, by now I'm seriously POd. And, not polite about it: You and your time are no more important than mine. I had to leave a client's home in the middle of the day to fit into your schedule and you are so rude you can't even call to tell me you're going to be late!

By now, our relationship is in the toilet....

Chef Debbie Is NOT Hiring At The Moment!

So I'm pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store ~ for the second time today. And a freaky young woman (late teens, early 20s) in a very short short skirt (cheeks are visible), muffin top, flippy flops and a mane of bleached blond, stringy, greasy unwashed hair walks right out in front of me.

I slam on the brakes, honk the horn (well, lay on it long and loud) and throw my arms up in the air.

She gave me the finger ~ and a very dirty look.

So I mutter a few of my favorite words under my breath, pull into my parking space, get out and walk around to the passenger side to get my eco~friendly bags, shopping list and the all~important Yummy debit card.

Same freaky woman is coming over to me. Uh oh! Does she have walker's rage? Is she going to spit on me? I was a little nervous but refused to get back in the Yummy~mobile and hide like a little girl. And, hiding in a big Ford Expedition wrapped in a large garlic clove with my name and logo all over it is, well, impossible.

I apologize for walking out in front of you. I was listening to my iPod and wasn't paying attention.

Uh, ok. It's just this is a very busy road and people typically aren't walking around out there.

Hey! I see you are a personal chef. I graduated from culinary school ~ I went to the CAA in New York ~ and am looking for a job. Are you hiring?

CAA?
Um, well, er, uh, the economy's so bad....

Yeah. I'm getting that a lot.
She blows a large bubble from the gum she's been chomping, pops it with her finger and uses her tongue to pull all the gum back into her mouth.

Well, good luck with the job search.

I'm heading into the store here to put in a job application. Do you know anyone in there? Can you give me a recommendation?

OK. It's seriously time to get out of here!
Gee, no, I'm sorry. I don't shop here a whole lot {fingers and toes crossed}, but good luck.

Off she goes, into the grocery store, with mini skirt, flippy flops, greasy hair and finger playing with her bubble gum.

Whew! She wasn't hired ~ but I did check with the store manager just to make sure.

So if you know of anyone who's looking for a female trying to stuff 20 pounds of flour into a 5 pound sack, with greasy bleached blond hair and who can chew gum and pop the largest bubbles with the best of them, I've got the gal for you!

Chef Debbie's Amazing Dinner at Radio Milano

Do you Twitter? I started just a couple of months ago am finding it addictive.

If you're so inclined, you can follow me at ChefDebbieCPC. I Tweet about my blog, recipes, the cook day or anything else I can say in just 140 characters at a time.

I follow lots of foodie people around the world ~ restaurants, chefs, food writers, etc. and when I happened to mention a couple of weeks ago that sweet husband and I would be in Scottsdale this week, I received a Tweet from Radio Milano.

So sweet husband and I left our resort paradise to have dinner at Radio Milano ~ and, boy, are we glad we did!

My food photos didn't turn out very well ~ not sure if it was the second glass of wine or the lighting. The service from the instant we arrived (free valet parking) to immediately being greeted at the door to our super server, Les, was stellar.

The menu is small but packed full of interesting choices. Sweet husband started with the roasted red pepper soup followed by a beautiful, perfectly cooked piece of roasted halibut served over sautéed spinach. A generous splash of the grilled lemon accompaniment and sweet husband was very happy.

I'm never one to pass up an opportunity for pasta and I certainly wasn't disappointed. When I'm in a new restaurant, I always ask the server what his/her favorite entrée is and I'm rarely unhappy with the choice. Our server last night was Les and I can honestly say if he wasn't such a talented musician, he could make a bloody fortune as a server. Attentive, knowledgeable about the menu and not too bad on the eyes, his recommendation of the linguine and clams was spot on.

Baby clams ~ lots and lots of baby clams ~ were tossed with a perfect prepared al denté linguine and all tossed in a light white wine, olive oil, butter and garlic sauce. In many restaurants the white sauce is heavy but here all I wanted was 3~4 more loaves of bread to soak up the sauce. Sometimes I embarrass myself when I pick up the plate and lick it clean so I (occasionally) try to act dignified and use bread to finish the job.

Even though we shouldn't have, and really didn't need it, we finished our wonderful dinner with the radio chocolate pudding ~ a creamy confection of chocolate decadence topped with an espresso meringue. We fought over the last bite!

So thanks to my new foodie friends, Daniel (the general manager), Joe (Twitter expert extraordinaire) and Les, super server. It was a wonderful dinner and Tim and I can't wait to return and try an entire new array of delightful delicacies.

Chef Debbie is in Your Face!

You can't open the paper, drive down the highway or go to the grocery store without seeing my smiling face everywhere you look!

I received a phone call from Queen Janeen, the queenly half of the WGRR Married With Microphones morning team.

Seems that she saw one of the billboards while driving down to work one morning.

And, at 4:30 in the a.m., seeing my face 15' tall in 4~color with that screaming yellow background, well it's amazing there haven't been a few multi~car pileups!

If it were just a few billboards all over town, then you'd be able to avoid me.

But nooooo. In fact, everywhere you look, I'm right there looking back atcha!

In the front section of the Sunday Enquirer, in all that yellow 4~color glory. In the Door Store. Online on the bigg's website. In the store ads.

Is this my 15 minutes of fame? I'm ready for my closeup Mr. DeMille.

Chef Debbie Says Urrrgh!

What is it with people these days!

Do I have a sign on my forehead that proclaims "Yes! I LOVE spending hours planning your party so you can give my menu to your friend who's a fabulous cook."

This has happened twice in the last couple of weeks ~ and I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm downright PO'd.

The first one was a small dinner party for 20. Black tie servers, beef tenderloin, scallops gratin, appetizers and the rest of the goodies.

Her phone call..

Uh Debbie? I have a friend who's a "fabulous cook" and said she could do my dinner with your menu for only $30 per person. You've quoted me a lot more and I wonder if you could match her price.

Yeah right. If I bought ground round at Costco and told you it was tenderloin. And used cheese in a can. And finished off the rest of the dinner with samples from McDonalds, Taco Bell and made snow ice cream.

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression my price is negotiable. I've spent years perfecting my trade and can guarantee that your meal would be of the quality of one of Cincinnati's finest dining establishments.
I also have a $1million liability insurance policy in the very small chance that I'd break something in your home or that one of your guests would become ill from something I cooked. If you have a price of $30 per person for my menu, then you should go with your friend.
I highly suggest you ask if she has liability insurance ~ just in case.

Urrrgh!

About that same time, I received a phone call from a local organization who needed a very large, black tie, super elegant event. Servers, valet service, sous chefs, you name it. I was going to need about 20 people, not including the valet service. And elegant, gourmet, sophisticated, eye~popping food and decor for 175.

So I put together a killer menu. More than 20 passed canapes, raw seafood bar, dessert and chocolate fondue bar, sushi bar, blini bar, and don't forget the cocktail bar.

They loved the menu. And. Then. Nothing.

Until the phone call.

Hi. This is Debbie.

Hi Deb. I'm calling about the event.
I could probably lose my job over this but I felt you needed to know what was going on here.

Uh oh. That's never good when somebody starts the conversation with I could lose my job over this, but...

OK. Tell me. Did you change the date, decide to change the menu, what?

No, we love the menu. I mean we really LOVE the menu. But my boss has a friend who...

Here it comes. I know what's going to fall out of her mouth now.

...is a caterer and said she'd take your menu and beat your quote by 15% automatically.

Visions of my good 12" chef's knife sticking out of the caterer's back dance through my head. Oh wait. The caterer wouldn't know what my menu was unless somebody gave it to her.

Thank you so much for calling ~ I know it must have been a difficult decision for you but I truly appreciate it. I have spent over 8 hours pricing this out already and could have easily spent another day or more working on it. Not to mention the time it takes my vendors to give me their prices.

So what would you have done? Sweet devious husband said I should give a quote of around $2000 for the entire event. And then back out.

While I would never never never do anything like that, I must admit that in the far back reaches of my once~in~a~while mean streak, that did sound like good fun!

But. I've decided, the old idiom is true. What goes around, comes around.

I just hope I'm around to see it!

Chef Debbie's Halloween Dogs

I'm not big into the whole Halloween thing.

Big surprise for those of you who know me!

I don't have children ~ unless you count sweet husband and the fluffy butt, Rusty.

But. This is wrong.

Funny. But wrong.

There Are No Tears In The (Personal Chef's) Kitchen!!!

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 22. Only 9 more days to go.

Have you been watching this season's Next Food Network Star on the Food Network? The contestants are so weak, I'm amazed the judges ~ two executives from the FN, Bobby Flay and a rotating celebrity chef judge ~ haven't sent all of them home and began again.

The show this last Sunday is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. The final three contestants ~ Lisa, Adam and Aaron ~ were in Las Vegas. The first challenge was to memorize a couple of lines and be able to walk and talk at the same time. Evidently it's pretty tough to do.

Now, I sometimes have trouble doing 7~8 things at once but that's only after I've visited with Bacchus for a while. As Personal Chefs, we have to multitask. We can have three burners going at once, two different items in the oven and still have enough brain power and dexterity to roll out pastry dough.

As my chef friend, Debbie, said the other day "I'm breaking my arm patting myself on the back!"

So it's been with great interest that I've been following the thread on my Personal Chef's message board and realized I'm not quite a bitchy as I thought.

Well, maybe I am. But that's a different blog entirely!

I may say it under my breath (sometimes Bacchus makes it louder) but putting it in writing is not my style. That can come back to bite you. And I do enough stupid stuff that I don't need to actually write it down!

Here are some of my favorite comments:

Is it just me or is everyone on the show a no talent hack? I'd send them all home. None of them is competent in the kitchen or in front of the camera. Either the field of contestants was very thin, they had terrible judgment in the selection process, or they looked much better in the interview process. And could they POSSIBLY cry more? Geez! There's no crying in kitchens!

Even the men cry! I think it must be a pre-req during auditions.

And they brought them all back. Must be because they couldn't send them all home. "You all stink equally so I guess we have to bring you all back...".

I thought the same thing, trying to figure out who I would vote off. I wouldn't watch any of them. Of course I wouldn't watch that whacked-out-french-inspired-mom that won last season either.

And two of my favorite quotes:

My husband says he can't look at Lisa without thinking of Vulcans.

"Name blocked to protect the innocent" thinks of Japanese cartoon characters ala Speed Racer or Pokemon when she sees Lisa.

And the winner is:

I think a Vulcan mated with Sandra Bullock.

Wow! Talk about bitchy. True, but bitchy ~ and I love it!

I'm looking forward to this Sunday's "finale" when somebody is crowned and given the golden whisk. Imagine the tears!

Chef Irvine in a Sticky Wicket

Huh. It seems one of my favorite TV Chefs, Robert Irvine of Dinner: Impossible, is in deep dodo.

Seems that said Chef enhanced his credentials a bit. Friday's Washington Post blew the lid off the kettle and boiled the pot dry.

Born in 1965, Chef enlisted in the British Royal Navy at the age of 15 for a 10~year tour of duty. He also claimed that he worked on Princess Di's wedding cake in 1981. Now I suppose that it is possible that he was plucked off of a big ship in the middle of a big ocean and flown to England to help create the sugary masterpiece. But Irvine would have been 16 when Di rode in the white carriage with the white horses.

You might find this hard to believe but I don't watch The Food Network a whole lot anymore.

It seems to me, in my humble opinion, that they are dumbing down the content. Now don't get me wrong. There is a place and a need for shows to teach people how to boil water, how to make a wedding cake from boxed cake mix and how to add a couple of pounds of butter, sour cream and mayonnaise to every recipe to make it taste heavenly.

But I did love watching Dinner: Impossible every Wednesday night. Even sweet husband Tim enjoyed the shows and watching a cooking show is certainly not at the top of his TV list.  I would never in a zillion years be able to pull off the magic that Robert Irvine has accomplished in these challenges.

Chef Irvine was and is a great chef. I just wish he didn't feel the need to claim chef fame for things he can't back up.

I feel like I've spent all day making a delicate souffle that fell.

I hope he comes back to TV soon, with dignity and new recipes. I'll miss his shows.

Photo uploaded from Robert Irvine's Amazon Blog