Chef Debbie Says: WTH?

You probably believe that the life of a personal chef is a glamorous, fun~filled whirlwind of gourmet food, high profile clients and parties filled with beautiful people and even more beautiful food.

I used to believe that too.

Let me tell you about a couple of phone calls I received this week...

Monday morning:
Me: Hi, this is Debbie.

Him: Hey Deb, it's name withheld to protect the "fill in the blank".... I just wanted to ask if you'd call your very rich, very very famous client and ask him if he'd speak at one of our lunch meetings. It would only take about 30 minutes of his time and he'd get a free lunch out of it.

Me: (thank Bacchus this didn't come out of my mouth... WTH) Uh... no! (I can't believe you're really asking this.)

Him: Well, do you at least know his agent's name so I can call and ask him?

Me: (Again, WTH) No, but perhaps you can Google it?

Monday afternoon ~ I'm driving down the interstate when the cell phone rings:
Me: Hi, this is Debbie.

Him: Hi, this is name withheld yada, yada, yada. I just passed your truck and I'm going to pull off at the next exit. If you could pull off, I'd like to give you a bunch of my business cards that maybe you could give to your clients?

Me: WTH (this one did come out of my mouth!). Uh, I'm sorry but I don't know you, I've never heard of your company and I'm not going to pull off the highway to meet you.

Him: Well, OK I get that. Maybe I can send you an email and we can talk and then we can meet?

Me: Yeah, sure, you do that.

Early Tuesday morning:
Me: Hi, this is Debbie.

Her: Are you a chef?

Me: Uh, yes, I'm a personal chef. Can I help you?

Her: Oh, I hope so! I have a brand new Taco Truck and the "chef" just quit. I need a new taco chef since tomorrow is our grand opening. Can you help me?

Me: (WTH Really?) Gosh, a Taco Truck Chef. I'm sorry but here's you can call and they may be able to help you.... (yeah, I know! I really owe the chef I passed her to an apology and a nice bottle of wine).

This person called me three other times in the space of 60 minutes because it seems she saved my phone number but not the number of the person I sent her to.

WTH... April Fool's Day isn't for three more days!

Now knowing how exciting my life is, don't you wish you could spend just one day in my scuffed~up Danskos?

Chef Debbie Says: You Really Expect "ME" to Eat at a Gas Station?

Last weekend I went down to Maggie Valley to visit my dearest friend Beth Brown, her darling husband Kenny and some of my favorite doggies in the world: Heidi, Oscar and Charlie Brown.

I arrive in Maggie with a full cooler with enough delectable treats to feed half of the state: center cut filets, two big slabs of meaty baby back ribs and lots of juicy Amish chicken breasts. Oh, and cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. Parmesan, Sicilian Jack, Danish Blue and Honey Goat. All this for just 3 people for just 3 days!

Beth says she wants to take me to a new favorite restaurant for lunch. I'm game. She's a foodie, Kenny is a foodie and if they say it's good, then it must be.

Oh, one minor detail... this restaurant is in the back of a gas station. And it's in a tiny town 45 minutes away.

Say whaaaat? You want to take me to a gas station restaurant? I'm secretly thinking they might have been away from city life a little too long...

Being the good sport that I am, I "graciously" agree to try the gas station restaurant with the slightly pretentious name of Caffé REL.

Well, Caffé REL put this snotty city girl in her place!

It was nothing like I expected. A charming little restaurant that would fit anywhere on the Champs~Élysées, the extensive menu featured delicacies such as:

Lamb Lollies ~ Rosemary rubbed lamb lollipops finished with shallot scallion Madera sauce

Snails & Tails ~ Helix snails and crawfish tail meat sautéed in butter with portabella mushrooms, Glace De Viande, fresh herbs, shallots, garlic, sherry and fresh cream... and then it's finished with a homemade puff pastry braid

French Blue Bâtard ~ Blue crab claw meat sautéed in butter with shallots, garlic, scallions and capers served on French bread, topped with Parmesan cheese and then baked hot and bubbly.

Not only was lunch simply amazing but when the server inquired about dessert, I ~ of course ~ suggested we "share" one. I naively asked which of the desserts on the extensive list was made in house... too many for me to keep track of.

After much discussion and debate, we decided on the Lemon & Strawberry Cake ~ delicate yellow cake with homemade strawberry jam in between the layers and then iced with an amazing lemon curd icing. Oh, and served with a fabulous whipped cream and vanilla bean ice cream.

I didn't want to leave the table and "laughingly" suggested we just order wine and keep the table until dinner.

So next time a foodie friend suggests lunch at the gas station, hope and pray they're talking about a road trip to Franklin, NC.

Chef Debbie Says: And I'm Not Going To Use My Turn Signal!

So I was in the Yummy~mobile today minding my own business. Not on the phone. Not yelling at the idiots all around me. Not driving too fast (well, no more than 20mph over the speed limit).

And then my cell phone rings.

Hi, this is Debbie

I'm following you on the Interstate and I just wanted you to know that you didn't use your turn signal when you changed lanes.

WTF? For once, I'm speechless.

Wait a minute. You mean to tell me you had to pick up your cell phone, get close enough to read and remember my phone number and then take your eyes off the road to actually dial your phone just to tell me I DIDN'T USE MY TURN SIGNAL? What are you, the turn signal police?

You don't need to be a bitch about it. I thought you needed a reminder that turn signals actually signal when you're going to turn.

I'm going to hang up now because if you think that was "bitch" you're really going to be surprised when I actually turn into one. And, by the way, I'm not going to use my turn signal!

He hung up on me!

Damn, that was a good one! I usually come up with those witty~issimo come~backs about 2 days later.

Chef Debbie Says: Uh Oh!

Who the hell is in charge of their marketing department?

And don't even start me on the childish package design...

Chef Debbie Gets Her Buttons Pushed

I try to be a nice person. Really, I do.

I put $5 in every Salvation Army Red Kettle I pass; I buy something from every neighborhood kid who comes to the door; I always let people with just a few items get in front of me in the grocery store checkout line.

But. When I have to travel into the abyss that is Costco, all bets are off.

So today I get to Costco around 12:30 ~ late enough that the young mothers with toddlers who meet and let the kids have play dates in the middle of the aisles are all home drinking lunch. And after the 11:00 a.m. rush of the food moochers ~ the people who have no intention of buying anything, but stroll 3 or 4 abreast sampling every food item at the end of every aisle.

You know who I'm talking about. You've seen them. And had to push your full cart around them while they have a coffee klatch in the middle of everything.

So today I'd gotten through all the freeloaders with just a minimal amount of pushing and shoving and the self~checkout lines are in sight.

And then she happens.

The old lady had just one item in her shopping cart. She was dressed in her finest fur coat, talking on a cell phone, hair and makeup done just so. She pushes her cart right in front of me and makes a dead stop. I try to go around her and she backs up.

I'm thinking this could get ugly...

Juggling her cell phone and grocery bag~sized purse, she pulls the one item out of her cart ~ a bottle of two zillion multi~vitamins and is trying to hand it to me.

"I need you to purchase this for me. They want me to spend $50 on a card just so I can purchase this giggasize bottle of vitamins." She's flabbergasted that Costco would actually expect her to purchase a membership in order to buy something!

And you know me... I said the first thing that popped into my head. "If you don't have a membership card, how did you get in here?"

"They have to let anyone in who says they're going to the pharmacy. Then I just wander around until I find someone to pay for what I want." She's very, very proud of herself!

Once again, mouth is much faster than the brain... "Absolutely not! If you're too cheap to buy a membership, then..."

She walked away from me. She freaking walked away from me! And approached another person.

So I shake my head, make a detour to the fresh flowers and spend a few minutes picking over the gorgeous bouquets.

I get to the self~checkout and a woman with only a few items is in line behind me. Of course, I let her go in front of me.

As I head toward the exit and line to show the checker my receipt, the woman I let in front of me is there.

With the vitamin lady ~ who turns to me, smirks and sticks her tongue out at me.

Is it wrong to want to run her over with my cart?

Chef Debbie Says: Money ≠ Class ~ Part II

If you didn't read Money ≠ Class ~ Part I you may want to before reading Part II.

So, The Jerk, in his 5'3" 140 pound, wimpy, Napoleon~complexed builder importantness shows me through his house. I say house instead of home because the difference is obvious. A home is warm and inviting. The Jerk's house is oversized in every way boasting a faux English medieval decor and that nouveau riche smell that you just can't quite eliminate.

The next day, rather than bother picking up the phone I sent The Jerk an e~mail detailing the courses I'd be serving and giving him a complete description of the place settings he would need. Surprise, surprise. I never heard back from him.

Sous chef, the amazing Ryan, and I arrived to find that he rented a cheap round card table and those mini white hard wooden chairs that nobody's butt fits in. And, he was still in the process of installing hideous giant sconces downstairs in the bar area, making his very pregnant wife carry a step stool down the stairs to him. As I said, he's a Jerk...

But. Not my problem.

China that The Jerk borrowed? Lots of non~matching bowls, coffee saucers, a few salad plates and dinner plates. All in that sickening sweet blue flower design that the grocery store sells as a "Piece of the Week" special.

Whatever. Once again, not my problem.

The Jerk had one volunteer Server instead of the two he was supposed to have. Said Server had no idea what she was supposed to do, and just wanted to stand in the kitchen and talk. Ryan, bless his patient heart, took charge of her. I would have kicked her saggy butt right out the back door.

Oh, and Server said she wasn't going to wash the dishes. Well, don't think I'm going to do them, sweetie!

Thanks to Ryan, the menu was beautiful. I was so disgusted with The Jerk that I just wanted to marinate the pork tenderloin, serve a few mashed sweet potatoes, a green salad and call it a day. Instead, Ryan talked me into this fabulous menu:

Caviar "Blini" with Dilled Egg Salad on Potato ~ Roasted purple and white fingerling potatoes stuffed with dill and Dijon egg salad, topped with creme fraiche and Tobiko caviar

Shrimp Stuffed with Panko and Parmesan ~ Two jumbo shrimp stuffed with a panko~Parmesan mixture, roasted and served on panko crusted fried green tomato slices and a large wedge of charred braised pork belly

Organic Baby Greens Salad ~ Organic baby greens tossed with shallots, sweet and spicy pecans and homemade pomegranate champagne dressing and garnished with shaved red pepper Asiago

Apple and Basil Sorbet ~ This one was all Ryan's baby and it was absolutely amazing! Homemade sorbet flavored with tart green apples and lots of fresh basil and garnished with organic rose petals

Pork 3~Ways:
Pork with Port and Cherry Glaze ~ Pork tenderloin medallions with a Port sauce and marinated cherries served on bourbon~barrel smoked cracked black peppercorn crusted goat cheese slices
Apricot and Pecan Stuffed Pork Tenderloin ~ Pork tenderloin stuffed with a mixture of apricots, pecans, garlic and thyme, served on herbed baked sourdough rounds and drizzled with red chili infused honey
Pork with Tarragon Calvados Cream Sauce ~ Mustard rubbed pork tenderloin, roasted and sliced into medallions and served on sautéed apple slices and garnished with a Tarragon Calvados Cream sauce

Herbed Orzo with Mascarpone Cheese

Roasted Zucchini and Yellow Squash Slices on Rosemary Skewers

Bread Pudding with Sautéed Peaches ~ Bread pudding stuffed with lots of sautéed peaches and tossed in an egg and cream mixture flavored with star anise, cardamon and vanilla sugar

No, Ryan and I did not do the dishes. We scraped, rinsed and left them in the sink. I'm guessing Mrs. Jerk probably got stuck washing them... Once again, not my problem.

Moral of this very long, two part blog: Money Does Not Equal Class.

Never has.

Never will.

Chef Debbie Says: Money ≠ Class ~ Part I

September is finally over. Thank Bacchus!

I had an event booked every weekend, with a couple of weekends double or triple booked. And, every single one of them was fun, full of great people and something I'd definitely do again.

Except one.

Last weekend was my annual charity event where local chefs are given the same ingredients (this year: pork tenderloin, jumbo shrimp, salad greens), assigned a host home and asked to cook for 16~30 people.

I've done this event for the last three years and it's always been a joy to work with the host home, the guests were gracious and the evening a delight.

Until. This. Year.

This year's host (forevermore, now called The Jerk) was rude, condescending and so full of himself that I hated every minute of the time I spent planning, prepping and cooking. I knew I was in trouble when I met The Mother {insert scary witch laugh here} at the Chef~Host Meet & Greet.

Here's how the conversation went:

The Mother: You're soooo fortunate to be assigned to my son's beautiful home. He's an important builder and he's just too important, too busy and too wonderful to waste his time bothering with this blah, blah, blah...

Me: Oh, freaking crap!

The Mother: Continuation of blah, blah, blah, my important son, blah, blah, blah... Oh, and the chefs we've worked with in the past have brought the china, silverware, linens, glassware, servers and extra tables and chairs so I expect you'll be doing the same...

Me: No, actually, the host home is responsible for all of that. I just show up with the food, my sous chef and prepare an amazing meal.

The Mother: Well {with a flick of her lacquered, platinum helmet head}, in the past we've worked with restaurant chefs and they've brought everything. We don't have enough settings so I expect you'll have to bring it.

Me: Gee, let me think... No, sorry. In the past, I've worked in homes where they've entertained on a regular basis and they have always had enough of everything, including space for the guests.

Oh, and by the way, if you weren't such a Mother I'd be happy to bring everything since I have more than enough.

Needless to say, The Mother was not happy with me. Unfortunately, that was the easiest and most polite conversation that I had with anyone in the family.

After sending numerous e~mails to The Jerk without response, I picked up the telephone.

The Jerk: Yeah, I got your e~mails but I'm just too busy and too important to respond. I'm an important builder, you know... blah, blah, blah...

Me: Oh, freaking crap!

The Jerk: And since I'm an important builder, the only time I can meet you is...

So, I clear time out of my day to fit into his schedule. And he cancels the appointment about an hour before we're due to meet. The Jerk then made another appointment although how he can find time in his important builder life is beyond me!

We're scheduled to meet in the middle of the day ~ his choice of day and time.

So I arrive. On time. And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

The Jerk shows up a full 30 minutes late and this is what he said (and I'm not ad libbing on this one, this is what he really said): I'm a builder. I didn't call you because my time is more valuable than yours!

And, as you can guess, by now I'm seriously POd. And, not polite about it: You and your time are no more important than mine. I had to leave a client's home in the middle of the day to fit into your schedule and you are so rude you can't even call to tell me you're going to be late!

By now, our relationship is in the toilet....

Chef Debbie Says: Just Give Me What I Want & There Won't Be a Problem!

Four years ago I bought a new home range. I paid quite a bit of $$$ for it and it was a huge upgrade from my previous 25~year old one.

In March, one of the burners ~ the large front double burner ~ quit working. As in, hot one second and dead the next! Not a good thing for somebody like me who cooks a lot.

So I called the repair company. They came out and, long story short, didn't have the part I needed.

No problem, I thought, I'll just find it online.

Huh! Seems that EVERY online appliance dealer had that part on back~order.

Interesting, but not impossible. I'll just call the Customer Service department of the company that manufactured it. They've always been responsive and able to help me.

Well. Seems there might be a bit of a problem. Said part is no longer being manufactured, and is on indefinite back~order. You can, I was told, keep calling back to see when the part will be available.

OK sure. I'll call back. After all, I can't be the ONLY person with this problem. Surely they'll realize that thousands of these ranges were manufactured and that a critical component is not working. I mean, what are they going to do about the ranges still under warranty?

After five months of calling every 10 days, I'm fed up. The part is still not being manufactured, isn't going to be manufactured in the foreseeable future and basically I have a $2,000 piece of equipment that is only 75% functioning. And, since the same part is in the other 2 currently (and 1 intermittently) working burners, I'm not holding out a lot of hope that they won't have problems in the very near future...

Now I'm mad. Boiling, pissed off, don't mess with me M. A. D. And, as sweet husband Tim can attest, pissing me off is not a good way to start, end or have in any part of your day.

So I wrote a letter. A very detailed letter describing exactly what happened when and what I tried to do to solve the problem. Sent said letter to the top marketing person at the manufacturer. Very simply stated that I'm going to start talking to EVERY PERSON I see about this problem. And I know a lot of people.

Mr. Marketing Person called me and assured me that they would take care of the problem ~ one way or another. So they looked for the part. And looked. And looked. There isn't one to be found anywhere.

Received another call from the company. Seems I can go online and pick out the replacement range I'd like to have, it will be delivered and the old one pulled.

So, my friends, bottom line here. If you have a legitimate complaint and Customer Service can't ~ or won't ~ solve the problem, make sure the marketing people know about it. Keep track of what you've done to attempt to correct the problem yourself, be fair and respectful and then just politely suggest that you're going to talk to EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW about your problem.

It worked for me ~ but then again I am a persistent PITA until I get what I want!

Chef Debbie Is NOT Hiring At The Moment!

So I'm pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store ~ for the second time today. And a freaky young woman (late teens, early 20s) in a very short short skirt (cheeks are visible), muffin top, flippy flops and a mane of bleached blond, stringy, greasy unwashed hair walks right out in front of me.

I slam on the brakes, honk the horn (well, lay on it long and loud) and throw my arms up in the air.

She gave me the finger ~ and a very dirty look.

So I mutter a few of my favorite words under my breath, pull into my parking space, get out and walk around to the passenger side to get my eco~friendly bags, shopping list and the all~important Yummy debit card.

Same freaky woman is coming over to me. Uh oh! Does she have walker's rage? Is she going to spit on me? I was a little nervous but refused to get back in the Yummy~mobile and hide like a little girl. And, hiding in a big Ford Expedition wrapped in a large garlic clove with my name and logo all over it is, well, impossible.

I apologize for walking out in front of you. I was listening to my iPod and wasn't paying attention.

Uh, ok. It's just this is a very busy road and people typically aren't walking around out there.

Hey! I see you are a personal chef. I graduated from culinary school ~ I went to the CAA in New York ~ and am looking for a job. Are you hiring?

CAA?
Um, well, er, uh, the economy's so bad....

Yeah. I'm getting that a lot.
She blows a large bubble from the gum she's been chomping, pops it with her finger and uses her tongue to pull all the gum back into her mouth.

Well, good luck with the job search.

I'm heading into the store here to put in a job application. Do you know anyone in there? Can you give me a recommendation?

OK. It's seriously time to get out of here!
Gee, no, I'm sorry. I don't shop here a whole lot {fingers and toes crossed}, but good luck.

Off she goes, into the grocery store, with mini skirt, flippy flops, greasy hair and finger playing with her bubble gum.

Whew! She wasn't hired ~ but I did check with the store manager just to make sure.

So if you know of anyone who's looking for a female trying to stuff 20 pounds of flour into a 5 pound sack, with greasy bleached blond hair and who can chew gum and pop the largest bubbles with the best of them, I've got the gal for you!

Chef Debbie's "Notes to Self"

I've got to quit answering my phone!

I know it's not April Fool's Day. Yet. Maybe I'm on an episode of Punk'd?

Yesterday's phone call:

Hi, this is Debbie.

Hi Debbie. I'm looking to hire a personal chef but have a very specific requirement.

No problem. I can handle your special dietary needs, medically restricted diets or picky children. Bring it on.

Note to self ~ NEVER say Bring it on again!

Well... we really don't have any special dietary requirements and the children will eat anything we put in front of them. No, this is more about our house rule.

Uh, OK. What is the house rule?

We never wear shoes in the house and we require everyone who enters to remove his shoes also.

Well, does the garage enter into the laundry room and/or kitchen so that I won't be walking on your carpet?

No, you don't understand. We do not allow shoes anywhere in the house.

Dead silence on my end.

Hello? Are you there?

OK. Let me get this straight. You want me to schlep in heavy boxes of equipment, work on a hard kitchen floor all day without any type of foot support and, let's not forget, work with razor sharp knives that I could drop onto MY unprotected feet and toes or carry heavy pots of boiling water that I could easily spill when I slip on something because I don't have my non~skid shoes on? That type of "we don't allow shoes anywhere in the house" rule?

Yes.

What I said: I'm sorry but I'm not the personal chef you're looking for. Good luck, though. I hope there's someone out there who can help you.

What I wanted to say: Have they let all the kooks out of Kookville today? Are you freaking nuts? How much insurance do you have because when I drop my chef's knife and chop off a few of MY toes, I intend to develop a very intimate relationship with your insurance adjuster!

Kooks in Kookville. That's a good one ~ I gotta remember that one!

Note to self ~DO NOT answer the phone on April Fool's Day!

I need another martini!

Chef Debbie Says Urrrgh!

What is it with people these days!

Do I have a sign on my forehead that proclaims "Yes! I LOVE spending hours planning your party so you can give my menu to your friend who's a fabulous cook."

This has happened twice in the last couple of weeks ~ and I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm downright PO'd.

The first one was a small dinner party for 20. Black tie servers, beef tenderloin, scallops gratin, appetizers and the rest of the goodies.

Her phone call..

Uh Debbie? I have a friend who's a "fabulous cook" and said she could do my dinner with your menu for only $30 per person. You've quoted me a lot more and I wonder if you could match her price.

Yeah right. If I bought ground round at Costco and told you it was tenderloin. And used cheese in a can. And finished off the rest of the dinner with samples from McDonalds, Taco Bell and made snow ice cream.

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression my price is negotiable. I've spent years perfecting my trade and can guarantee that your meal would be of the quality of one of Cincinnati's finest dining establishments.
I also have a $1million liability insurance policy in the very small chance that I'd break something in your home or that one of your guests would become ill from something I cooked. If you have a price of $30 per person for my menu, then you should go with your friend.
I highly suggest you ask if she has liability insurance ~ just in case.

Urrrgh!

About that same time, I received a phone call from a local organization who needed a very large, black tie, super elegant event. Servers, valet service, sous chefs, you name it. I was going to need about 20 people, not including the valet service. And elegant, gourmet, sophisticated, eye~popping food and decor for 175.

So I put together a killer menu. More than 20 passed canapes, raw seafood bar, dessert and chocolate fondue bar, sushi bar, blini bar, and don't forget the cocktail bar.

They loved the menu. And. Then. Nothing.

Until the phone call.

Hi. This is Debbie.

Hi Deb. I'm calling about the event.
I could probably lose my job over this but I felt you needed to know what was going on here.

Uh oh. That's never good when somebody starts the conversation with I could lose my job over this, but...

OK. Tell me. Did you change the date, decide to change the menu, what?

No, we love the menu. I mean we really LOVE the menu. But my boss has a friend who...

Here it comes. I know what's going to fall out of her mouth now.

...is a caterer and said she'd take your menu and beat your quote by 15% automatically.

Visions of my good 12" chef's knife sticking out of the caterer's back dance through my head. Oh wait. The caterer wouldn't know what my menu was unless somebody gave it to her.

Thank you so much for calling ~ I know it must have been a difficult decision for you but I truly appreciate it. I have spent over 8 hours pricing this out already and could have easily spent another day or more working on it. Not to mention the time it takes my vendors to give me their prices.

So what would you have done? Sweet devious husband said I should give a quote of around $2000 for the entire event. And then back out.

While I would never never never do anything like that, I must admit that in the far back reaches of my once~in~a~while mean streak, that did sound like good fun!

But. I've decided, the old idiom is true. What goes around, comes around.

I just hope I'm around to see it!

Chef Debbie's "Christmas With The Crazies"

What is it about this time of year that brings out the crazies?

This time last year, I swore I was going to turn my cell phone off this year. But I haven't.

Yet.

Today's phone call:

Hi, this is Debbie

Hi. I want to buy my boss a gift certificate for Christmas. He's a single guy and I was thinking about a meal or two for him.

I have a small package that would be perfect for him. It's just 3 entrées, 2 servings of each, with the appropriate side dishes and it's just $xxx.

What! For that kind of money, I'd expect 3 or 4 weeks worth of meals! I just want a couple of meals and it shouldn't cost any more than $30 or $40. After all, it's just a couple of meals and I can't believe it would take you that much time.

I appreciate what you're saying. Let me tell you how a personal chef service works so that...

Interrupting me with a big, very audible and prolonged SIGH from her...
OK I get that I have to pay for your time also. I can go as high as $45 but that's as much as I'm going to pay. After all, in today's economy, you can't be that busy.

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that my price is negotiable. The price for the service I just told you about is $xxx. Perhaps you should consider a gift certificate to...

wanted to say McDonalds, Taco Bell or Burger King but instead...

a nice family style restaurant like Friday's, Chili's or Applebee's.

Geesh! You always sound so nice on the radio. Guess I'll just have to call the station and let them know you aren't very accommodating to their listeners.

Why me?

Personal Chef Asks: Waiter Is That A Fly in My Soup?

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 30. Only 1 more day to go.

By now, everyone has learned the identity of the infamous mystery author of the frightening and disgusting blog Waiter Rant, Steve Dublanica.  A New York Post article discloses his identity as well as revealing a couple of the "lessons" he's subjected his past customers to.

And, surprise of surprises, he's written a book about his experiences as a waiter!

Have you ever read the blog? It's full of the "lessons" waiters teach customers who send food back, are rude, don't look like they'll tip well or whatever.

Of course, it's never the waiter's fault when I had to ask three times over the course of 20 minutes for the same glass of wine that was never delivered but charged on my bill three times.

And, of course, it's never the waiter's fault when I order a medium~rare steak with asparagus risotto and I'm served a chicken with fried potatoes. And, yes, the waiter did deliver the food.

Or, I love this one. It's never the waiter's fault that I had the huge misfortune to walk into that restaurant on that night when the waiter is in a foul mood, has cigarette breath, dirty fingernails, is wearing half a bottle of the cheapest drugstore cologne/perfume and I ask for a different table outside of their service area.

I know the work is hard. And the customers can be rude. And you don't make a lot of money. And you occasionally get stiffed on your tip.

But. DO NOT take it out on me before I even sit down and you've already determined that I'm a lousy tipper because as Waiter Dublancia boasts "It's gotten to the point where I can tell how much money I'm going to make off a customer within 10 seconds of meeting them." Even though he then claims, one paragraph later, "I try not to fall into that (profiling diners based on age, sex and race) trap."

Huh?

Perhaps the reason you didn't get the tip you "expect" could be because you've treated me like crap, have served me the wrong dinner, have admitted to leaving your personal body fluids all over a customer's food or any multitude of other lovely disease~ridden pranks that you've pulled over the years.

And my friends wonder why I don't like to go out to dinner!

But if I do go out to dinner and receive impeccable, attentive service from a waiter that is knowledgeable about the menu and preparation techniques and has some semblance of personality, then you'll be extremely happy with the tip you earned.

Revisited: Chef Debbie's Food Giggles For The Day

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 26. Only 5 more days to go.

This adorable classic cartoon appeared in Gourmet Magazine in June 1941 and re~appeared on their website this month. It also is a perfect accompaniment to this Yummy~issimo! blog originally dated July 26 2008.

You can count on me saying something stupid almost every day. Truthfully, it is every day. But that's neither here nor there.

Here are a few of the (printable) misquotes that my buddy, Jeff Gibbs, of Gibb's Cheese (a lovely cheese and deli shop) at Findlay Market has heard recently.

Which one of the turkeys has more turkey in it?

I want a refund on my pork chops!

Why would I pay $3.00 for 1/2 pound when I can buy a whole pound for $5.99?

Can I have 1/2 pound of caucasian turkey?

Which of these cottage cheeses is made without diary products?

Give me 5 garlic franks to dip in my peanut butter.

Does white cheese have less calories than yellow cheese?

OK. I don't feel so dumb now.

Chef Debbie's Food Giggles For The Day

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 26. Only 5 more days to go.

You can count on me saying something stupid almost every day. Truthfully, it is every day. But that's neither here nor there.

Here are a few of the (printable) misquotes that my buddy, Jeff Gibbs, of Gibb's Cheese (a lovely cheese and deli shop) at Findlay Market has heard recently.

Which one of the turkeys has more turkey in it?

I want a refund on my pork chops!

Why would I pay $3.00 for 1/2 pound when I can buy a whole pound for $5.99?

Can I have 1/2 pound of caucasian turkey?

Which of these cottage cheeses is made without diary products?

Give me 5 garlic franks to dip in my peanut butter.

Does white cheese have less calories than yellow cheese?

OK. I don't feel so dumb now.

Other Things To Do With Food Besides Eat It

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 15. Only 16 more days to go.

I've gotten several e~mails in the last few weeks with tips and tricks of things you can do with food other than eat it. Some of these I've tried, some I haven't and some sound so weird I wonder who in the world came up with them!

Tips I've tried and they've worked:

Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the hair off of it.

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store and they won't ripen as fast as if they stay in a bunch.

To keep squirrels and rabbits from eating your plants, sprinkle the plants and the ground around them with cayenne pepper. It won't hurt the plant or the animal.

Before you pour a sticky substance in a measuring cup, fill the measuring cup with hot water. Dump out the water but don't dry the measuring cup. The sticky ingredient comes right out.

Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it but can't digest it so it kills them. Repeat if it rains before all of the ants are gone.

And my favorite tip: To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass and fill it with 1/2c apple cider vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid. Mix well. The fruit flies will be drawn to the cup and not your fruit.

Tips I haven't tried but sound like they'll work well:

Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. (Swallow vodka. Depending upon your pain, repeat as necessary.)

Heat leftover pizza in a non~stick skillet on top of the stove and heat on medium~low until warmed through. This keeps the crust crispy.

To make mess~free deviled eggs, place egg yolks in zip~lock bag, seal and mash well. Add remaining ingredients, reseal and keep mashing until thoroughly mixed. Cut the bottom corner off the bag and squeeze into egg whites.

And, how do they come up with this stuff?

Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking. Huh?

Leftover Snickers bars... OK stop right here. Who has leftover Snickers bars?

To make scrambled eggs or omelets really rich, add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream and heavy cream before beating. Then call 911 for the heart attack that's sure to happen.

And my favorite "Are You Freaking Nuts" Tip: To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

Hold the Mustard!

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 6. Only 25 more days to go.

Most people celebrate the 4th of July with hotdogs and hamburgers. That seems to be an all~American tradition.

But some people just see the line, cross over it and keep running.

Take Joey Chestnut, defending champion of Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Please take him.

For the first time in history, the contest went into overtime.

Overtime?

Yep. Seems said champ and six~time champion (110 pound weakling) Takeru Nobayaski of Japan, were tied at the end of the 10 minute contest. They had each eaten 59 hot dogs.

So. On to a sudden death (no pun intended) 5~dog eatoff.

Can you imagine the shame of it all had Joey not won this contest? Thank goodness he spared us the indignity and embarrassment of losing by just stuffing down five more hot dogs.

Whew! I can sleep better tonight knowing the trophy is safely here in the US for another year.

Yeah. What Charlie Gibson Said!

A Blog A Day For A Month: Day 5. Only 26 more days to go.

Yesterday, World News Tonight with Charlie Gibson had a segment about Dinner In The Sky, a new dining concept where chefs and guests dine 15~20 stories in the air.

With nothing under them!

In case you haven't heard about this yet, it's the newest ~ and most expensive ~ dining craze (or is it crazy) that's sweeping the rich and bored.

Their website doesn't have pricing, however, it does state that infrared heaters are 750 euros a pop. That's just for the heat. So, my guess is that if you have an extra $500K USD laying around then you, too, could have Dinner In The Sky.

Gotta tell you ~ there isn't enough wine in the world to get me up there! And then I'd have to go to the bathroom.

Charlie Gibson ended the segment with a personal comment. "With all due respect, that's just nuts!"

Yeah. What Charlie Gibson said!

Avalanche

Problem.

Huge problem.

I think I've started an avalanche.

A new Yummy! e~mail received today from a person in Tampa:

Hey Debbie.
Do you have a recipe you can share for spicy vegetarian tortilla soup?

Listen to my radio segment on WGRR 103.5FM on Friday 03~14~08. I'll share the recipe and post it on my webpage Yummy~issimo!

I like it spicy.

Really spicy.

I hope they do in Tampa.

What Did I Really Say?

Wow!

I'm shocked at how many people actually read the Yummy! blog.  

Maybe I shouldn't talk about Bacchus and liberally imbibing libations quite so much.

Nah.

I received a lot of e~mails asking how I responded to the catering company asking me to help them with the Kahlua pulled pork recipe.

My response:

Dear Catering Company ~
While I have never made Kahlua pulled pork, I would probably take a red wine marinade recipe and play with it until I found the right combination  ~ just make sure you don't make it too sweet.  Failing that, I'd research Cooks.com or Epicurious.com.  Good luck.

Short, sweet, not too helpful, not too bitchy.

An afterword.

Had I posted a recipe like this on  Yummy~issimo! Personal Chef ServiceI would have gladly copied, pasted and shared.

Now I'm starting to feel bad that I didn't help.

Oh well.